There is a saying that it is better to keep your mouth shut so that people assume you are dumb, than to open it and remove all doubt.

Frankly this could apply to me in many walks of life but an even more special case demands a few words or bandwidth on this blog. From my college acquaintances I know a guy called Mystery whom I happened to visit a few days ago. Now, now people, despite what you might imagine from his name, Mystery is no suave secret agent or someone who woos girls with just a look or dismantling criminals with high tech gadgets. Au contraire he is “something” which hardly fits a description. He is a wimp , a certified whiner. If one were to draw a portrait of him you would start with : a pakoda for a nose, rubbery ears that look like they might have been attached by a substandard glue and cheeks so swollen that sometimes I feel like checking if he has cotton stuffed up his mouth.

He listens to only English songs because he thinks India doesn’t make good music anymore as though he went to music school with Rahman. I doubt he has been to any kind of school. And now that cricket season is here, the game randomly and inevitably creeps into one of our discussions. His bullshitting antennae pop out of his head adding one more to the already loosely hanging parts on his face. India has never been good at the game, he claims having absolutely no idea about our cricket team's recent performances. He is the kind of guy who thinks it is great to support foreign teams like England and Australia just because one of his “30 cousins in between” uncle is residing there so he got to visit England once(admittedly that is good. I don’t get invited to my real aunty’s house also, but let us not go there).

Now smartass thinks I was born yesterday and prefers to shoot out random statistics. Throw everything at the wall and something might stick he thinks. So I decide to see how much of Australia he loves.

‘So you must have really followed every match of the Ashes’ I said
‘Ashes?’ he makes another funny face, which is a different facial expression from the one which is congenital. ‘No,’ he shakes his head
‘Ashes dude, the urn, the legend , the clash, the bodyline....'
‘Ah, bodyline, no dude I don’t like watching contact sport like Rugby or Football.’
Thanks a lot toadface , you just proved what a moron you are because the Ashes is the most prestigious "cricket series" between “England” and “Australia” from the last 127 years.

Moving on to relationships, he asks me about my ex-flame. I deny the flame ever existed and say that whatever it was it had been extinguished by female ego. And so says he is feeling sad all of a sudden because he remembers his first girlfriend and that's when you know whinathon is just around the corner. So what am I supposed to do, take him in my arms and caress him. First girlfriend eh, what about that , a bit strange considering his sexual orientation veers between men and dogs. So one girl in the past just praised him by saying "Good idea Mystery"(rumored to be, he offering to disappear from the face of this earth) and this turdpile thinks she is his girlfriend. What a loser!

I am not the guy who enjoys taking digs at other people but really guys like Mystery piss me off. I hate them. They are compulsive liars who have an opinion on everything but solution to none. Such bastards should be impaled through their backsides and arranged on shelves for display. Corporal punishment should be meted out to these no-gooders.

Finally, all this discussion took place over a bit of alcohol during which Mystery intermittently claimed that beer is the only drink which can satisfy him while gulping down close to ten cans of beer. This was once again in response to my just taking a small glass of wine.