Contd from previous post

Perspiration without effort. Yup... energy researchers should take Mumbai's humidity factor as a model of efficiency. Even if you were to stand in one place and yawn, sweat will still form and eventually trickle down your face and go into your mouth leaving a salty taste. Yuck!
Moral of the story : Don’t yawn while sweating !

But that can’t be said of the girl I was about to meet. Before meeting her, I had communicated with her via emails. The spies who were lazing off in Goa and one of them in his own office had gotten to work. Ultimately though they had come up with zilch(an unprecedented failure) . The girl was from a relatively small city in North India and the network didn’t have many sources up there , infact just one, who unfortunately had not left his house in seven years, so didn’t know anyone other than his postman. Strange! So I decided to address this girl as the small town girl or STG.

After some feverish exchange of smses, we decided to meet at Globus in Bandra at 12pm in the afternoon. I reached late but she wasn't there yet. I decided to sneak into the shop before she reached so that when she arrived, I could start my bordering on the psychopathic pastime of surveillance. I didn’t know what to expect. There are many north Indian stereotypes out there the prominent ones being loudmouths, showoffs, heavy accessories and apparel colors that would be claimed to have been picked from the rainbow just to outshine the next door neighbor.

I was loitering around the aisles when a white top and denim clad female called my name out and tapped me on the shoulder from behind.
‘Are you the STG?’ I asked turning around. Ofcourse I knew she was the same otherwise no girl in her right mind taps me for any reason. She was comely and despite the western outfit her simplicity stood out. We exchanged pleasantries and I found out that she had been in the mall for the past half an hour. It made me feel guilty to keep a beautiful girl waiting but atleast she had her best friend to accompany her - shopping.

We boarded a rick to the sea facing part of town. I was looking out of the auto when she touched my arm and showed me the Arabian sea glistening on the right.
'Oh yeah , nice,' I said instinctively moving my arm away. As soon as I started taking in the reflections of the Arabian Sea, she tipped me on the hand again.
'And that is SRK's house on your left,' she said. Tingles of excitement ran through me which were more from her touch (not that those light knocks were unwelcome) than at the sight of the Baadshah Khan's abode. Thereafter I maintained a foot's distance from her at the back of the auto then that made us look like passengers sharing a ride rather than two people who had met up to decide more serious things in life. We reached our destination located at the downhill slope of the Bhabha road right under SRK's nose oops I mean Mannat.

As soon as I got down , the Rickshaw guy gave me this most sheepish look. “Lady business eh?’ his eyes seemed to say. I felt like pummeling him but violence wouldn’t have been appropriate especially right next to the home of India’s most romantic starlet.

'CCD or Barista?' she asked me. I looked at the two adjacent cafes. "A lot can happen over coffee" screamed a sign from CCD. I remembered going to CCD with a female a very long time ago. We had kept staring at each other's faces for quite sometime. The only action if you could call it one was leaning forward and sipping our drink. 3 hours and 200 rupees later, we waved goodbye wondering whether 180 minutes of silence and sustained gazes qualified in the Guinness book of world records for longest futile, ineffectual eye communication.

‘Barista,’ I announced enthusiastically and opened the door for her like the gentleman I really wasn’t. And as expected the next second I was back to my old ways. While she walked in front of me, I took stock of “the figure”. Hmm…not bad, I said to myself making a mental note to myself to join some gym later. Her hair was cut short and tied into a fancy hairstyle. It looked cool. At the back of her right arm there was a tiny mole, that ever enamouring pigmented growth on our not so perfect bodies. I wondered if it was a symbolic STOP sign like saying "Stop looking at my a** you dog."

‘Where do you want to sit?’ she asked
‘Huh,’ I said caught napping. I looked around, and seeing that there were just 5 tables in total(this barista is smaller than my boss’s cabin) , I thought it was a silly question but you don’t tell that to a girl , not much less to a pretty one.
‘Let’s take this one,’ I said pulling out a chair noisily. There was just one couple in the store who sat in the right hand corner. The girl was laughing incessantly. Oh! the delusion of that first relationship. The Barista barista came over and handed us the coffee menus. She didn’t pick hers up. I went through mine going through some mouth watering images. The Black Forest Blast caught my fancy and I ordered one. The STG ordered Irish Caramel Frappe in a practiced tone.

The waiter arrived and slammed the nutritionist's nightmare on the table. I attacked it with my usual disdain for etiquette. Calories floated in descending order on my drink. Whipped cream drifted on top of the ice cream that swam on top of the chocolate that floated on top of the coffee. A four-layered titanic that was about to sink into my stomach. Meanwhile, the STG neatly took her spoon and started to consume small portions of her drink.

“So your dad is Sindhi while your mom is a Jain?’ she asked while she stirred the contents of her frappe.
I looked up from the drink. Whipped cream stuck to the side of my mouth and a little bit at the nose. An appropriate question would have been, is your dad a caveman and mother a clown? I took the napkin and wiped my face.
‘Yeah, you can’t choose your parents, can you , you are stuck with them for life hahahaha.. ,’ I laughed but instantly regretted it the next moment. My laughter faded away faster than Merrill Lynch’s debtors had in the recession as the expression on her face never left. Did she not understand what I said was just a joke or did she feel I was insensitive. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt but reigned in the pathetic gags.
‘You know I also have many friends like those, half this and half that,’
‘Oh ok,’ I said feeling like a genetic experiment all of a sudden.. What was she here for - a hybrid human hunt.

We talked about many things, about her coming to Mumbai so far away from her parents. Basically I was trying to ascertain her comfort away from home. People in smaller cities tend to be relatively more attached to their families and the idea of living alone depresses them.

‘I’ve gotten used to the idea, yaar’ she said not so ebulliently. But the more I spoke to her, I got the feeling that she was very honest about all the usual questions. Her English came with a slightly heavy dose of Northern Indian accent which I have never been able to relate to instantly since my friend circle has for most part been South Indian. Only after a while one gets used to it.

The conversation then moved to hobbies and other small talk.
‘You know, I can sing and dance very well,’ she said
‘Is it?’ I said contemplating asking her to a little jig right there preferably on the table. I can't dance for nuts myself. I have the proverbial two left feet having to wear flip-flips instead of flip flops (Sorry PJ).
‘Ofcourse, what do you expect from the land of the greatest singer India has ever produced,’ she said with a slight stamp of authority. Greatest singer eh. I hope she wasn’t referring to Himesh Reshammiya. Ofcourse not, Himesh is from Bhavnagar. What was I thinking?
'Who?' I asked
'He once sang in the royal court. That's all you need to know,' she said. For the moment I was on a need to know level.

Intermittently she would stop to pull her top from the back so that the neck line wouldn’t plunge. After living in the US, for quite some time now, ogling at them new york women, I have learnt the art of self-restraint. I decided to concentrate on her eyes. She had dark circles underneath them. A sudden elation grew in me. Had she already spent sleepless nights thinking about me? Especially that photograph where I pranced around like Sallu bhai in 2 deg Celsius temp with a talebani beard , loaned sunglasses and a bead necklace around my neck. The total value of all the accessories on my body must not have been more than three dollars.

Occasionally when she would laugh, she would tilt her head 17 degrees from the vertical to look up at the ceiling and then tap the table lightly with her left hand. I felt like putting my hand there but I had torn up my own invitation to the "soft hand touches" party by acting strangely and staying out of striking range in the rickshaw.

‘I’ve got bored of this place,’ I said. ‘Do you know any other place we can go to?’
‘Well lots of people walk here,’ she said pointing towards the sea where the sun was on its last legs. Wow time had passed quickly. ‘This is the famous bandstand, ,’ she said, her tone feeling particularly happy about her educating me about Mumbai’s famous romantic landmark.
‘Yup , you mean the infamous one where the couples….,’ I winked . F*** I did it again. Did I tell you, I am a complete idiot? Never mind. Well, now you also know now I am a complete perv as well.

Like the women of the early 1900s who would run away with blushed cheeks at the first sight of their father discussing marriage, she went pink in the face.
‘You are so direct,’ she giggled and tried to avoid eye contact. Yes I am direct , I am a direct example of how not to talk to girls.

We took a rick back to Linking road where to save ourselves from the incredible heat, we walked right into Shopper’s Stop.
'What are you looking for?' she asked. Someone like you, I felt like saying. Instead i clutched the first piece of clothing that hung from the stand. It was the Men in Blue team India Tee.

‘Eeew , will you wear that? Is that your choice?’ she asked as if I was holding a mini-skirt.
I was crestfallen. I was Indian and crazy about cricket , why wouldn’t I buy an India Tee shirt. Don't be scared Ray, tell her that calmly.
'Yeah, good quality, Nike and all,' I said trying to sound defensive.
'Alright yeah.' She didn't have much of a response. She looked sad as if she wanted redesign my clothes.

We window shopped for the next fifteen minutes. Women can shop in any state of mind. sad or happy. Before leaving we decided to meet for lunch the next day.

Next day :

Not since one of my friends had given me an entirely unnecessary 5 km walking tour of Gurgaon, I had never walked so much for finding an address. I was criss-crossing the roads of the Bandra-Kurla complex dodging autos and lorries. This was where her office was. Plush buildings were positioned opposite to slums. "Near" Citibank she had told me but near Citibank actually meant that Citibank was the closest famous office. A small matter of a kilometer and a half away from her own workplace that too in 45 deg heat. Poor me!

I waited with relief in the air-conditioned lobby of her office building. 10 minutes later, one of the lift door opened and she walked through the lifts. She apologized for being late and told that her boss would need explanation so she had to give him some cock-bull story for the time-being. I was used to this, being the quintessential non-existent fictitious individual.

We lunched at Pizza hut. I told her that if I selected her, it would take me close to a year to get her to America.
‘Yeah, yeah you don’t worry I know,’
‘Ok thats good. Its not like getting from your small town to Mumbai,' I said
'Hehe, you are funny,' she said. I feigned my laughter not quite comprehending where actually did I make a joke.

‘Good, so you decide and have an answer for your parents. Give it a good long thought,' I said for the sake of parting words.
‘I am a risk professional , don’t worry about that,’ she said shaking her head from side to side. Wonder what that meant. For example where I would stand on a risk chart for single women looking to get married. Taking the two axes as probability(P) and risk impact (R) :-

a) Loyalty - I had oodles of it. I have been eating the same brand of biscuits for the past twenty years.
P( of changing loyalties) : 2% ; R : Low

b) Stability - As far as I knew, my mind was in the right place. It didn't work at times but I never really do anything extraordinary in life anyway. Oh yes I do have a job offered to me out of pity ofcourse.
P(of losing my mind) : 30% losing my job : depends on Obama , R : Medium

c) Reproduction - You don't want to know. Long story
P(of producing cute sindhi-hindi-northie jain babies) : 100%*(See note) ; R : Low

d) Hobbies - Writing, basically capturing mindless nonsense on paper
P(of leading an interesting life full of new challenges) : 60% ; R : Low with qualifications (BS on blog to be monitored )

e) Extra-curricular skills - I can drive at 60mph on a 20 mph road.
P(of enjoying a stress free life) : 1% ; Risk : High

Overall result : Low risk person, who can be twisted and manipulated to be ridden as a donkey in later life.

And that was the end of that. The girl was cute, well mannered, caring and family oriented. And most of all , I have to say , for some darn reason , she seemed impressed by me - yup no small thing that. I would even go far as calling this an epoch defining event considering that, I at most have the charming skills of a porcupine. That said, there was always this hint of naivety that lurked in all her replies. It is a good and a bad thing but she was eager to live life and that was important. But of even more importance was , that we got along very well like friends. I had found a friend but was there a wife hiding somewhere inside her? I just don't know the difference. Would the STG become a BCG (Big city girl) ? Time to dwell...

Next up is the third and final candidate after which it is decision making time. Till then... stay single.

* - Doctor consulted on this. He has no previous experience in medical science and is more interested in the sport of ping pong. It was this fascination with "balls" that I felt like approaching him for expert advice.

Contd .. from the previous post

And before you diabolical diabetics jump on the words Mishti, no this isn't an encounter with the sweet kind but a bold, confident young city woman - Miss T.

She arrived with her parents on a hot and sweltering day in Surat after my parents had invited them to our place. She wore a loose fitting light yellow salwar and had her dupatta draped over her head. Made her look like the homely girl I had expected. (Boy was I in for a surprise). Eventually, after some small talk , our parents left us alone, the moment I had been eagerly waiting for but hardly knew what to say. The spies had quite reliably established that , Miss T was a bubbly cheerful person , talkative yes but not those boring types who kept on yapping about other worldly things. I was looking forward to this.

But five minutes into our so called “left-alone” session, hardly anyone had spoken. She was looking down on the floor. I knew she liked Garfield but absolutely nothing witty came to mind and I sat quiet looking at the scar on her forehead. If the room were a tourist map, then the fan, AC , even the dusty carton in the corner would have been marked as a point of interest instead of me. In such situations my eyes usually wander and settled on a pimple just below her neck. It reminded me of Carolina, a girl we had in our batch who had this round sizeable pimple in the same spot and we named her "Push button to talk" Carolina. I wondered if the girl sitting in front of me operated by a similar mechanism. It was akin to getting the front seats of an opera and finding out that the tenor had a bad throat. Damn , me and my absolute rubbish thoughts.

“The main thing is compatibility,’ I said not making a particularly insightful statement.
‘Yup, true’ she said drumming her right hand on the chair. We then talked about a few more things but for some reason the conversation remained subdued. We were meeting for the first time , so I was trying hard to keep an open mind. But her piercing look was increasingly giving me that zebra locked in a lion enclosure feeling and after some time my mom's call for lunch made sense of the saying "saved by the bell".

Me being me is never content. I met her in Mumbai next where we decided to dine at Angethi's in Vile Parle. She came and stood outside the Mcd’s outside the station(the restaurant was located on top of the fast food chain) and immediately started to dial her cellphone hardly waiting to have a look around. A hint of impatience …maybe or just good old discipline…couldn’t say. I swooped in like James Bond with an intention to slightly astonish her. :P
‘There would be no need to trouble your fingers, darlin’ , I am here already’ . Why don’t these dialogues occur to me at that time. I settled for the safe “Hi, good evening”.

We were seated on a corner table when madam T called the waiter and complained that the music was a shade too loud and asked him to reduce the volume. As that did not happen , she requested that we change tables which we did. The foolish waiter then gave her the ala carte menu while he shoved the liquor menu into my hands with a sheepish smile. Damn you guys I thought , I am trying to make an impression here. Was I doomed, not completely. We chatted on the menu a bit and ordered an appetizer and main course.

I don’t remember all the conversation now but it was healthier than the one we had at my place. But there were a few extremely strong opinions expressed and the probability of an ego clash in the future loomed large. Would she be adjusting or just plain dominating. Hard to say. The food arrived and I let my mind get distracted.

‘Would you like anything to drink ?’ the waiter asked the both of us. He looked at me expectantly. The wine menu still lay near me.
‘Yeah , just a sweet lassi, anything for you Miss T?’
‘I will have an iced tea,’ . The drinks couldn’t have been more different or ironical. The drinks arrived promptly. One was dark but clear while the lassi although white was foggy.WTF, concentrate idiot.

‘So...have you tried alcohol?’ I ventured. Girls usually say no in the beginning and act all girly but they all usually have tried something or the other in their school days. A female friend of mine had got so drunk on a vodka that we framed one of our friends(who was also piss drunk) by putting her in bed with him. Needless to say, they woke up with a massive guilt "hangover".

‘Yes, and I like it very much,’. She deadpanned while letting her hair loose and tying it again. I caught a glimpse of her earrings which were different from the heart shaped ones she wore in Surat.
The chair under me almost slid , ok well not that dramatic but the candid answer to the question did make my eyebrows twitch a little.
'That is good,' I said having no idea whether to praise or reprimand such insouciance.
'But although I enjoy its taste,' she said squeezing and playing with the slice of lime in her tea, 'I usually fall asleep within two drinks.' She smiled for the first time since we had arrived.
'Oh yes,' I said. 'Well good for you, I usually start uttering crap when I am two pegs down, sometimes some ugly truths.' Damn! I had spilled too many beans here. Pull back Ray, pull back.

The food arrived and we ate in silence and the loud music that we were away from, assumed pole position among all other sounds in the room. We talked about a few more things during which I came to know that she was a recent convert to vegetarianism because of her spiritual beliefs.
'I used to eat anything under the sun,' she said staring at me making me insecure as if she had suddenly changed her mind and if I was next on her plate.
'Hmm,' I said as I tried to tear a piece of the rubbery roomali roti which had the consistency of well....a rubber. 'Good thing, you left it. I don't even eat eggs,' I said finally managing to tear a piece off with three fingers(some achievement I tell you) while dropping some crumbs on my lap.
'Look, Ray,' she said ,'my parents have spoken to me about this and I have understood what has to be done here.' The conversation had taken a serious tone.
'Go ahead,' I said. I wondered what had she understood , that maybe I was a clumsy eater and she needed to teach me table manners.
'I am a difficult person to handle, my partner needs to be patient with me.' I kept quiet and thought about the possible causes behind that scar of hers. Was it the mark of an impatient beau?

The waiter brought in the finger bowls along with the check. The food had been too garlicky that had set off my Vaishnavite Saatvik alarms, (not that I was kissing later but one never knows.) I hadn't even finished half of it. I had a look at the check and muttered "cheap" sarcastically.
'I have my moods Ray, tantrums and all that. This does not mean I am not the adjusting kind but...'
I looked up from the check. Tantrums eh,? I do have a whip at home, I wanted to say. But that would make things messy to say the least. Would she walk out of the restaurant in a huff. Would I have to pay the entire check which was on the other side of a thousand. Did she realize that I had only eaten half my food?
'Well then what do you want to do?' I asked
'I am certainly not cutting this off...' she said. We had now moved out of the restaurant and were walking towards SV road under the ungainly skywalk that had been built recently.
'What do you want to do?' I asked again a little more firmly this time lowering my head and looking straight at her.
'I need a a little more time. '. Time ...oh brother...time was what I never had and never would. have. My trips to India would always be short since I was adamant on getting a bride from the motherland.

We stopped and I paused for a moment to gather my thoughts.
'Ok Miss T, I wish this was more clear cut but the fact is , it is difficult for me as well because of my status in the US. We will talk to our respective parents and take a decision but seems as if even I would be needing a little more time to know you better if at all.'
'Alright, so if we don't meet each other now, it was nice knowing you and good luck with your search,' she said extending her hand forward for a handshake. And then I passed the most cheekiest and cheesiest comment of the evening. Perhaps I didn't care then.

'There is an old Chinese saying that if one can't make a decision then there was only one way to find out...a kiss tells you whether the person is your life partner of not.,' I winked(Ok I had made up the Chinese part and the dialogue had been completely inspired if not copied from the movie Apna Sapna Money Money) but my soaring rocket got shot down by her pretty nicely. It hadn't come out nicely and I think I deserved that.

In that way we parted ways and mutually dumped each other(almost). I walked back to the Vile Parle railbridge and thought about her. Before flying from America, I had actually almost made up my mind and mentally accepted her as someone I would love to spend my life with. She was excellent, not beautiful beautiful but someone smart and hip but she was also perhaps overbearing. Her projection of her own negative qualities surprised me. She was either being too honest or just throwing me off her path. Maybe she had found someone already, maybe she didn't want to leave Mumbai(or India) , maybe she didn't want to get married at all or maybe she didn't like me :(. There were too many maybe's and very few concrete thoughts.

Anyway, I started to prepare for the next bird that was about to fly my way the following day.
So that friends was the conclusion of my acquaintance with Miss T which had not made the picture any clearer but even more mis-ty.