From time immemorial it has been the human tendency to blame someone for any kind of misfortune. It is in our genes, our forefathers did it, we do it and according to research, the art became so specialized that they constructed special buildings called parliaments(the British commonwealth) or capitol buildings (America) where professionals could square off against each other. The latest issue to literally “hog” the limelight has been “Swine Flu”. Who should be blamed then, for this gut-wrenching, demotivating and as we know potentially fatal disease? Here are some prospective candidates :

Carnivores : For munching mindlessly on meat that wasn’t passed fit for consumption before finding out that this would be a little hard to digest let alone passing it out of the system.

Herbivores : For starting all this vegetarianism vs meat-eating hullabaloo where the stuck in the middle omnivores got so agitated that they couldn't decide which way to satisfy their appetites and swung too far to the meat eaters side and turned into carnivores and then we know what the carnivores did.

Warner Brothers : They allowed Porky the Pig to garner all the fame a farm animal could have dreamt of but failed to recognize the difference between his dramatized stutter and when he really started stammering thereby missing the first chance to warn the world. All they could say was th...th..th..th..th..thats all folks.

Matchmaking Websites : In order to make money, they were happy to bring together two people even if they were from a different planet, different species or for that matter same sex. In their chicanery they also applied lipstick on a pig and tried to get it hooked up with a chimpanzee. As President Obama sheepishly claimed “"You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig” But the chimpanzees being the monkeys they were, couldn’t control their hormones and went ahead with their famous kissing ritual producing disastrous results.

The Chinese : History suggests that the Chinese were the first ones to domesticate the pig turning it from the wild boar(which landed accidentally in their backyard) to the absolutely disgusting “low quality” disease spreading animal we know today. Sounds similar to what the Chinese do with everything which lands in their manufacturing space. They also put it on their calendar. Blame the source.

Islamic countries and “a” Jewish country : They keep on showering hostilities on each other on every imaginable topic but agree on just one thing. Don’t consume pork which has had the effect of belittling the self confidence of the pig who went into severe depression since it was not good enough to be “halaled” or “koshered”

Mosquitoes, Fleas and Lice : And adding to defamation to depression…. if only these organisms weren’t hell bent in showing their superiority for being the major disease carriers, the pig wouldn’t have jumped into this whole mess. “Size does matter,” claimed the bloody swine

Indian Government : As far as India is concerned , the Government washed its hands off shamelessly by giving a “knee-jerk reaction” to the entire situation by showing some insensitivity to the first Pune victim. It was only when the mortality numbers landed in their breakfast tea they acknowledged that the earlier reaction was due to the knee suffering from chronic arthiritis and tried to get things in order. In the end though, it was another case of adding Swine flu to a long list of diseases they have shoddily managed.

Americans : They are calling it the revenge of the Bacon as you can see from the picture.
Need I say anything more?


And lastly and perhaps the biggest culprit....

Media: Its centuries long expertise to take advantage of the unsuspecting common man and despite all the complexities of the human body, the media has been unswervingly able to first find and then press that magic button located in the brain – The PANIC button.

Feel free to add anything to this unfunny comedy of errors

The final run indeed. This is it.....I am not going to take part in activities which are hazardous to my astoundingly pathetic health. I did beat my previous time though, by a breathtaking amount of.....yeah hold your breath ladies and gentlemen - 14 .....umm...seconds.

Yes , fourteen seconds between the first and the second race. It wasn't a struggle like last time because this time I ran at a constant speed.

Say hello to a new wave of Indian cinema, with Vishal Bharadwaj creating the Guy ritchieish and the Tarantino like plot set up with a horde of idiosyncratic characters colliding to make one hell of a khichdi mixing a Ram and Shyam story with the shady functions of the Mumbai underworld, police and politics.

Kaminey is the tale of two brothers Guddu(Shahid) and Charlie(Shahid again) who abhor each other. While one of them is an honest but timid NGO worker who has his dreams assiduously charted on the door of his cupboard, the other is a gangster with an ambition of becoming a bookie. Other than having the same face they both have speech defects - one stammers and the other lisps pronouncing S as an F . Guddu impregnates his girlfriend Sweety(Priyanka Chopra) and invites the wrath of local gangster cum politician Bhope(Amol Gupte) who is her brother. Meanwhile, Charlie accidentally stumbles upon a guitar full of cocaine which is worth 10 crores but the drugs belong to some rogue cops. And then they run to save their lives and thats when their lives collide.

What follows is utter mayhem and bloodshed involving North eastern gangsters, African ones, Bengali gunmen, oddball henchmen and some of the most outstanding black humor you might have come across in cinema.

The writing here is the clear winner. The situations and the dialogues in those situations are laced with some amazingly brilliant wit and the director handles them like a seasoned pro. A handheld unit is utilized for all action scenes which does get a bit irritating after a while although it gets the desired effect in the beginning.

Performances wise, Amol Gupte(writer of Taare Zameen Par) as the gangster politician comes out on top. Shahid Kapoor gives us a brilliant rendition in both roles and reminds us that he is more than just a romantic lead. All the other gangsters especially Tenzing Nima and Chandan Roy are first rate. Priyanka Chopra springs a surprise here and rises above her average actress status to deliver a commendable performance as the feisty Marathi girl. The music (both background and songs) is awesome.

Negative points ...hmm.... the back story of why the brothers hate each other is not very convincing. It should either have been longer or stronger. Also there should have been more scenes with Shahid vs Shahid. Even the climax , hilarious as it is , is wound up very quickly and conveniently. But the biggest complaint one could have with this movie and in a good way, is that it is so short. We come out of the hall wanting more.

Beware that the movie will come across as confusing in the beginning but just stay with it to enjoy this tremendous rollercoaster. Kaminey is unpredictable and credit for that goes to Vishal Bharadwaj, the iconoclast, who takes seemingly conventional stories and blends them into this wild concoction that is smart, vivid and absolutely worth watching. Take a bow Vishal Bharadwaj.

Fuperb!!

At the moment, I can’t get enough of Dooriyaan from Love Aaj Kal. What a mesmerizing and haunting melody and especially after watching the film, the song has just enveloped me with its fantastic lyrics. Two other good songs doing the rounds nowadays are Mohabbat Pehli Baar from Kaminey and Tune Jo Na Kaha from New York. The special thing about the former other than the scintillating music is the lyrics, take for example the poetry below :

Khwaab ke bhoj se.

Kap Kapati hui..

Halki Palke teri..

yaad aata hai sab..

tujhe gud gudana..

satana..

yoohin sotey hue..

gaal pey teepna.. meechna..

bewajah besabab

Only one man could be behind this, the great Gulzar. Gotta love this guy.

The other thing to notice here and once again common to both songs is the rise of Mohit Chauhan. This guy is the singing equivalent of a plane cruising at high altitudes since he has proved time and again that he has mastery over the smooth tune. I guess nowadays almost every music director lines up at the former Silk Route lead singer’s place if they require some rossogulla soaked vocals. Way to go Mohit. Certain people call him the Indian Atif Aslam, but not only, Chauhan came well before Atif but also in my opinion the harmonious Himachali is a better singer than the Pakistani crooner. I like Atif as well but Chauhan has got that tranquil flow which even has insomniacs drooling.

Another highlight of 2009 Hindi film music is the music of Jashnn. Nauman Javaid, a Pakistani musician who does all three- writes, composes and sings is behind the soulful music. One of the best tunes of this year called Dard-e-Tanhai is a perfect example of this guy’s talent. The unplugged version is even better with just the lead playing. Also Main Chala from the same album is ample testimony. Definitely give it a listen....

I have heard this famous song a lot but today was probably the first time I saw the video. This was all after my sister called me from Ahmedabad during lunch hour. This is the fifth year running when I haven’t been with her on Raksha Bandhan but she unfailingly sends a rakhee every year.

People often fail to see that one’s sibling is almost always his or her first ever friend. It feels quite nostalgic when I remember those occasions when we fought over so many small things, the last significant (and rather silly since we had a second TV)one being the TV remote when she wanted to watch her beauty show while I was howling over India’s cricket match. And after every such fight, getting smacked by my dad and either being thrown out of the house or locked up in the room with no TV. It was in those moments, we used to find each other, unite together in our common sorrow in contrast to moments earlier when we were baying for each other’s blood. We would promise each other that we would stand for each other if Daddy asked who was responsible. (Obviously this was all forgotten when one's arse was in the firing line of my father's slap-happy hands.)

As we have grown into adults, our relationship has changed considerably. She went off to study in a different city while I got busy with my life. In time she got married but the real shock came when she delivered her first child. That is when I realized my sister was no more the “girl” I knew. She was now a woman with her own family and responsibilities. I felt sad and happy at the same time. Sad because there would now be no one to talk to and share my weird thoughts and happy for her because she was going to start a new life of her own. Ofcourse the compelling reason was I had the whole room to myself now. :)

In the past few years the channels of communication between us have been significantly reduced so it felt special talking to her today. As always the mundane chat was followed by some sort of advice. I have never told her how much I adore her but a time will come for that. I will always cherish this relationship.

Watching Love Aaj Kal was like driving on the Mumbai roads in the rains. P(l)otholes in between super smooth narration and after a while it gets irritating and you almost predict the next bump.

Let’s get the story out of the way first. Jai(Saif Ali) and Meera(Deepika Padukone) are a modern couple but career pressures force them to split but they break-up amicably(almost an oxy-moron there). No heartbreaks, rona dhona etc. But does love let you get away that easily? That forms the theme of this film. This premise is also narrated to the happy go lucky Jai in a parallel or analogous manner by Veer Singh(Rishi Kapoor), a restaurant owner in London who talks about his affair with a Sikh girl Harleen(Giselle Monteiro) in Delhi many years ago.

The positives : The movie is sprinkled with some really witty dialogues and interesting layered narration techniques. The first one hour of the movie takes it to its peak. Cinematography(awesome bridges) and locales are top notch. The songs are classy even though they are a hindrance sometimes (remember potholes). Dooriyaan stays with you long after you leave the hall.

The negatives : Somehow Jai’s and Meera’s relationship lacks that depth that convinces you that they are really made for each other. The movie just casually touches on the nuances of a relationship and hence fails to bring about that dramatic effect of the lows of separation and long distance relationships. Rishi Kapoor’s tale is fine and sugary uptill the point when all is lost for the love torn Sardar and he uses force to get his love. It was an inappropriate conclusion. That’s when you feel the movie has a heavy Dil chahta hai, DDLJ and Jab We Met(JWM) hangover.

Performance wise, Saif Ali Khan once again comes out on top. His expressions and delivery are perfect for a vulnerable and nervous yuppie, looking for love. Rishi Kapoor as always is first rate. Deepika, great figure, hot body notwithstanding, has a lot to improve in the acting department though. It doesn’t help that her character is sketched badly but in certain scenes that require her to be subtle, she is kind of loud and her face contorted. She is better in the second half but here is a request to the Bangalore Bimbo - Please don’t dance. Giselle Monteiro(yeah i know she is Brazilian but looks amazingly Indian) has nothing to do except look pretty which she does adequately. Rahul Khanna is wasted in an inconsequential role.

Overall, the takes on contemporary love and relationships which are evident in the first half get muddled in the slapdash potpourri of the second half. Somehow writer-director Imtiaz Ali while covering most bases with his script, sacrifices the raw charm of Socha na Tha, JWM and Ahista Ahista(writer only) for commercial masala in Love Aaj Kal.

Don't get me wrong, Love Aaj Kal is an eminently watchable movie for its wittiness and catchy music but the film could have explored more. It could have been better.

P.S. Allow me to digress and also maintain my earlier instructions as to, with whom you should be watching this movie. You can watch it with your uncles, aunties, 1970's ke lovebird parents only(statistics say that maximum elopements took place in that decade), your better halves ( ambidextrous people barred from watching) and long distance bf/gf (the power of communication c'mon). I watched it with a guy friend while the whole theatre was empty. Just the two of us, absolutely no one. And that's when, 10 minutes into the movie (when the breezy romance on screen was getting me high), I got up from my seat and barked the following words at my friend
"Why the f*** are you a guy?"