So we are in a Mexican restaurant the other day, with a couple of Indians and an American. My colleague MP starts to narrate an incident about food. Now MP is a know-all…. apparently he used to be a professor in a college in Gujarat. He is interesting to listen to but sometimes he is grating with his all-round opinion on just about anything under the sun.   An American who sits opposite to him is all doe-eyed as if he is ready to get his lesson from Confucius himself. Now I don’t remember the whole story since my attention span for MP’s self important notions, is truly abysmal much like the politicians dozing and having a snoozefest in our Lok Sabha.

The topic has two keywords – food and tissue paper . We as Indians know that a tissue is something that is used when you have a runny nose, or you dropped something on the table, you need to clean up. So not a big deal if you are an Indian and the desis around the table already look around with impatience towards the waiter to get us our burritos especially with MP in his typical style just beating about the bush without getting to the point. Oh, but wait…. the American is just beginning to squirm. The Burrito is the last thing on his mind.

The food arrives and we dig in. MP digs in too, but even a mouth full of rice, beans , peppers and cheese isn’t enough to stop the Rambo of “I shall explain to you the hypothesis, theory and law behind our very existence”. Such trivial things like annoyed expressions, overacting of boredom theatrics do not bother MP who will continue to talk even if a man has half a ear. I have long lost interest but the burrito is kinda not that tasty so I have to order hot sauce. Meanwhile though since the human ears do not have an open and close button I am forced to listen.

MP by has now made Galileo and Einstein look like mere children in the scientific playground. We are used to this, however, everytime the words tissue and food are used in the same sentence, the American winces, flinches and makes a face that says he is just about to puke his burrito out on to his plate. He fiddles with his fork, his thumbs twiddle , his face is a riddle and I am afraid he is about to piddle.

Figures that the Americans call a tissue paper as a napkin, fair enough and a tissue paper is something you use in the toilet. Since MP’s world renowned explanations are so circuitous, they are like the foreplay before the main act. But before climax is reached, the American can’t take anymore of these life-threatening symptoms and he ejaculates prematurely which means he butts in.

“I think MP, you mean napkin, don’t you?”

MP shakes his head in disgust, what the f*** is a napkin, he asks.  Disturbing MP is equivalent to if someone had stolen Newton’s apple away and crushed it to make fresh apple juice, leaving the great English scientist with no fruits to base his theories on. 

The American clarifies “napkin that you use to clean your mouth.”

“Ah, yes yes,” MP says in a petulant manner finally looking at who has interrupted his gospel. He is agape at the American. He quickly downgrades his aggressive look to one that is similar to a moustached  rascala villain who is about to get beaten up by Rajnikanth.

“Oh you are soooo right Mr. American, I meant the napkin all this while. You see I have just come from India, my wife, she is been here a long while and is a lot more modern than me. And so as I was saying……………”

Now it is my turn to feel irritated. I felt miffed at MP for accepting the Amreekan’s opinion without informing him that in countries other than Uncle Sam, we have different terms that are just as correct or the terms are used interchangeably. Just because he calls it a napkin doesn’t mean you clean his backside,  and I don’t care if you are using a napkin, tissue or whatever to accomplish that. What has modernity got to do with calling something by a different name. Why the justification that oh my wife is more modern than me, which she might as well be and I don’t know how she ended up with him in the first place but that’s beside the point.

We Indians love to denigrate and sully our own and our country’s reputation just to gain a few brownie points. In another incident in my friend’s company, a boss asked his Indian subordinate about how was Mumbai as a place to visit in May. My friend who is a true Mumbaikar said May will be extremely hot but a cool cab will get you to all places comfortably. On the other hand, the Indian subordinate immediately said, Mumbai is a tough and polluted city, if you stand outside for half an hour , you will be blackened blah blah. This is downright silly and such people who mislead or dissuade potential tourists should be made to walk naked in the Frigid Canadian winter.