A week ago, on a chillingly cold Friday evening I had received a phone call from my close friend Snow White (name changed to maintain her sanity, repel hate mail and ensure free dinner for the next 5 weeks) that her bathroom was under renovation and she would have to spend the next five days with me. Yes yes I know you would think that I would be walking on my hands especially since I have just one room in my house. But I was cool about it, half excited mainly because I would not feel bored cooking and there would be some company to talk to. The following is an excerpt from the phone conversation and the events which transpired that night after that which led me to conclude that it was going to be one hellish week.
Hanumanji bhakt but if she was ready to defy societal norms and
she did finally come to my house with clothes and an air mattress
There were rules to be followed. After some funny noises, she asked
why was this Hitler kind of rule being imposed upon “poor” her,
so I let her know that for the next seven days she was my responsibility.
She said 'No way, you aren't my watchdog". I told her, no if she lives
with me, she has to give me a heads up when she is done with office and
I should know her whereabouts given that she is a girl so short-sighted
She said this might not work. she can't follow instructions from me
and what would I do, if she didn't live by my rules. I said that if
she breaks protocol the next day citing the reason she is out with her bf
'I won't allow you inside then' She can spend the night outside. She says
instead of me flipping my fuse and sulking over trivial things its better that
I wait before she calls and invites me to join her bf and her at a rest.
’Why would come in so late in the first place,’ I argue losing control
and even if that's the case for loitering late there is every chance that
I have already prepared dinner . I hope she feels ashamed, comes back
’Yeah but by the way Mr. cook, I have eaten at your house before,
Diwali’ she says accusingly and the next five minutes she goes overboard,
she complains, food is too spicy and hams the side effects with bad acting
Ok that's one day and we can adjust the spice factor, you hypothetical
female, besides you haven’t tried my latest cooking lady , but what if
the next day, no prizes for guessing, she is elusive once again?
No problem buddy she speaks in an appeasing tone all of a sudden , I will
call you and let you know of my plans well in advance like 2 hours before
So I tell her she better call me since I have plans to dine outside on Thu.
'Well you can count on me', she starts 'to mess up', I complete for her.
So she says nothing will go wrong and she will make sure that
on Thursday she calls me up at 7:10, and will look to be there in an hour.
I say ‘hopefully things don't turn out in the way that you call me, tell me
that you’ll be here on time, I feel all happy about myself and
then I blink an eye, its 9:45, there is no sign of her and I don't want that..
'You seem to be in a one of your bad moods,' she says but I ain't done
with what I have to say. I say to her under no circumstances I want that
...she informs me late to get ready to dine with her BF, arguing my stance
It won't happen she says and I reply that there is a strong possibility that
she'll waste my evening thinking that I will not mind and be mollified if
her BF drives up in his SUV , and we all go to Jersey City to have dinner.
Can we stop now? I am having 2nd thoughts about coming there. Anyway
from the beginning of this day , I have had a terrible headache, Oh this
Fri morning she says she didn't sleep well bcoz of the stupid house
So my voice shows a bit of concern now maybe I was being a bit too harsh
on her and I should have already been aware as for the entire day,
this gripe of hers is drilled in detail in my head through google chat
Ok I say I'll be waiting for her to move. She is a guest so I will honor that
I just don't want it to be like her workplace or social gathering where
as usual she is late, she comes and behaves remorselessly
a pause ensues for several seconds during which I hear 'a you've got mail'
message. So I ask her what is that, another ill-timed expedition by bf?
She tells me that BF wants to go to Atlantic City for a night of gambling.
'Huh, I knew it, so, what's the big deal?' I ask. 'Do you want to come ?'
she ripostes as if she was asking me to come for a stroll in the park
Gambling doesn’t interest me one bit, not even when I have a few spare
besides, I was already taking one by letting her in the house. 'Come on ,
come on , answer' she says poor bf doesn't have all day or night it seems
I say I'm tired and taunt her about she being so worn out and sleepy
Also it messes body metabolism, and according to my judgment it would
be bad to ruin tomorrow’s day and it would be regretful if the next day
Saturday she arrives at noon , flops in bed and is asleep entire afternoon
Screw your judgment. God its late and I haven't eaten anything, she
realizes. She's not here yet but is already making her own rules.
Snow white has finally woken up and is hungry. Baby needs food I guess
Damn it is so cold outside, can't even go out and buy food. What are you
making? Can I join you? BF can pick me up from here to go to A.City
I am making tea and snacks whereupon she immediately offers to help
You will have to get here quickly then which she does, looking really weary
On my querying her logic just wait for the tea big guy, she says insultingly
as if a little caffeine would make up for all the ill-treatment I have faced
I am famished she claims. Once again she acts as if she is malnourished
I hope these are not the sign of things to come. That's when
she goes through all cabinets in my kitchen and screams No chhole
I said yeah, I am single here and don’t keep much foodstuff in the house
because things get spoilt and I only eat fresh vegetables , so yet
another long debate follows on why don't I have this and blah blah…
While she ma food (chhole for which I have to get out in the freezing
cold to purchase a tin of chick peas), she praises her own cooking
We finally make something and I ask her why is she dating an idiot,
working with consultants and spending money like water at gambling?
Don’t waste time. Return to India where her mother is alone
so we have relationships and roulette table losses for dinner, not food
So how are we going to kill time till "he" comes meaning till BF poops our
mini party and lives on the idea – spend money , then girlfriend is happy
After dinner I suggest we watch a film sure she says but email check first
It is almost 12am, my enthusiasm for entertainment has waned but not
extinguished. I am yawning uncontrollably and making obvious noises
but she continues to chat online despite me giving her dirty looks
I thought we were going to watch a movie, I try reminding her cautiously
afraid that she might bite me, never know women, they only look timid
and she cares a rat's arse. The clock strikes midnight. I am snoring
No no no, my mind keeps telling me, u can't let this woman into your
house. I dreamt how she would behave on all seven days if I allowed her
Mon-bossy, Tue-fussy, Wed-careless, Thu-whimsical, Fri-gambler, Sat-lazy
Wake up you fool she dances over me like crazy but I am unmoved. I am
still dreaming ofcourse about the various horrors I might face so what if on
Sun- the lazy woman awakens at 1 pm. no point in even saying anything
RAVIN, are you listening or should I just go, she kicks me and I wake up
with a start. I quickly recall why she was coming here in the 1st place and
I am now fervently wishing, her bathroom is fixed for the next 100 years
Get ready, I will be building a nest in your house for the next six days. You
will have a nice experience of living with a girl. Get to learn in 6 days
nice experience my arse; 6 days of torture can't bear I said startling her
It takes time for her to realize what I just said. She still shamelessly
half looks at the chat, 9/20 at her cell phone 1/20th of vision towards me.
What did you say she inquires befuddled. Have you got high on the food
and tea and she laughs at her own joke. Wonder why girls do that
You are not going to come here again, you inconsiderate girl. I scold her
You are making no sense she says now getting pissed. I haven’t yet come
today is Friday , I am going to be there on a Monday , is it clear?
So I question her reason behind going to AC on such a cold Fri night
silly reply, she is under the influence of her bf and I am guessing his SUV.
You have no right to ask me, moron. That's it I am not coming, you
have insulted me and not digested the fact that I have a boyfriend
I shout,' get out if you can't stay and have a proper conversation with me
I don’t know what’s got into you suddenly. You were alright an hour ago
Fine what've I done ? tell me She demands rather loudly when
I bellow It was nice "not" having you. I can only imagine what will happen
She starts to become all apologetic like girls always do. When in trouble
speak in a voice which is close to weeping, it worked it raised my hopes
Sorry sorry, if you felt bad don’t worry, I will pay attention to you always
Ok lemme think this over and see if I can allow you here. Get minimal
luggage, also a little bit of wheat flour and treat me as a friend not servant
Suddenly Bf honks And poof! she is gone. I go off to sleep again muttering curses under my breath.
I told her I was in two minds to say yes or not, not because I was a big
Hanumanji bhakt but if she was ready to defy societal norms and
she did finally come to my house with clothes and an air mattress
There were rules to be followed. After some funny noises, she asked
why was this Hitler kind of rule being imposed upon “poor” her,
so I let her know that for the next seven days she was my responsibility.
She said 'No way, you aren't my watchdog". I told her, no if she lives
with me, she has to give me a heads up when she is done with office and
I should know her whereabouts given that she is a girl so short-sighted
She said this might not work. she can't follow instructions from me
and what would I do, if she didn't live by my rules. I said that if
she breaks protocol the next day citing the reason she is out with her bf
'I won't allow you inside then' She can spend the night outside. She says
instead of me flipping my fuse and sulking over trivial things its better that
I wait before she calls and invites me to join her bf and her at a rest.
’Why would come in so late in the first place,’ I argue losing control
and even if that's the case for loitering late there is every chance that
I have already prepared dinner . I hope she feels ashamed, comes back
’Yeah but by the way Mr. cook, I have eaten at your house before,
Diwali’ she says accusingly and the next five minutes she goes overboard,
she complains, food is too spicy and hams the side effects with bad acting
Ok that's one day and we can adjust the spice factor, you hypothetical
female, besides you haven’t tried my latest cooking lady , but what if
the next day, no prizes for guessing, she is elusive once again?
No problem buddy she speaks in an appeasing tone all of a sudden , I will
call you and let you know of my plans well in advance like 2 hours before
So I tell her she better call me since I have plans to dine outside on Thu.
'Well you can count on me', she starts 'to mess up', I complete for her.
So she says nothing will go wrong and she will make sure that
on Thursday she calls me up at 7:10, and will look to be there in an hour.
I say ‘hopefully things don't turn out in the way that you call me, tell me
that you’ll be here on time, I feel all happy about myself and
then I blink an eye, its 9:45, there is no sign of her and I don't want that..
'You seem to be in a one of your bad moods,' she says but I ain't done
with what I have to say. I say to her under no circumstances I want that
...she informs me late to get ready to dine with her BF, arguing my stance
It won't happen she says and I reply that there is a strong possibility that
she'll waste my evening thinking that I will not mind and be mollified if
her BF drives up in his SUV , and we all go to Jersey City to have dinner.
Can we stop now? I am having 2nd thoughts about coming there. Anyway
from the beginning of this day , I have had a terrible headache, Oh this
Fri morning she says she didn't sleep well bcoz of the stupid house
So my voice shows a bit of concern now maybe I was being a bit too harsh
on her and I should have already been aware as for the entire day,
this gripe of hers is drilled in detail in my head through google chat
Ok I say I'll be waiting for her to move. She is a guest so I will honor that
I just don't want it to be like her workplace or social gathering where
as usual she is late, she comes and behaves remorselessly
a pause ensues for several seconds during which I hear 'a you've got mail'
message. So I ask her what is that, another ill-timed expedition by bf?
She tells me that BF wants to go to Atlantic City for a night of gambling.
'Huh, I knew it, so, what's the big deal?' I ask. 'Do you want to come ?'
she ripostes as if she was asking me to come for a stroll in the park
Gambling doesn’t interest me one bit, not even when I have a few spare
besides, I was already taking one by letting her in the house. 'Come on ,
come on , answer' she says poor bf doesn't have all day or night it seems
I say I'm tired and taunt her about she being so worn out and sleepy
Also it messes body metabolism, and according to my judgment it would
be bad to ruin tomorrow’s day and it would be regretful if the next day
Saturday she arrives at noon , flops in bed and is asleep entire afternoon
Screw your judgment. God its late and I haven't eaten anything, she
realizes. She's not here yet but is already making her own rules.
Snow white has finally woken up and is hungry. Baby needs food I guess
Damn it is so cold outside, can't even go out and buy food. What are you
making? Can I join you? BF can pick me up from here to go to A.City
I am making tea and snacks whereupon she immediately offers to help
You will have to get here quickly then which she does, looking really weary
On my querying her logic just wait for the tea big guy, she says insultingly
as if a little caffeine would make up for all the ill-treatment I have faced
I am famished she claims. Once again she acts as if she is malnourished
I hope these are not the sign of things to come. That's when
she goes through all cabinets in my kitchen and screams No chhole
I said yeah, I am single here and don’t keep much foodstuff in the house
because things get spoilt and I only eat fresh vegetables , so yet
another long debate follows on why don't I have this and blah blah…
While she ma food (chhole for which I have to get out in the freezing
cold to purchase a tin of chick peas), she praises her own cooking
We finally make something and I ask her why is she dating an idiot,
working with consultants and spending money like water at gambling?
Don’t waste time. Return to India where her mother is alone
so we have relationships and roulette table losses for dinner, not food
So how are we going to kill time till "he" comes meaning till BF poops our
mini party and lives on the idea – spend money , then girlfriend is happy
After dinner I suggest we watch a film sure she says but email check first
It is almost 12am, my enthusiasm for entertainment has waned but not
extinguished. I am yawning uncontrollably and making obvious noises
but she continues to chat online despite me giving her dirty looks
I thought we were going to watch a movie, I try reminding her cautiously
afraid that she might bite me, never know women, they only look timid
and she cares a rat's arse. The clock strikes midnight. I am snoring
No no no, my mind keeps telling me, u can't let this woman into your
house. I dreamt how she would behave on all seven days if I allowed her
Mon-bossy, Tue-fussy, Wed-careless, Thu-whimsical, Fri-gambler, Sat-lazy
Wake up you fool she dances over me like crazy but I am unmoved. I am
still dreaming ofcourse about the various horrors I might face so what if on
Sun- the lazy woman awakens at 1 pm. no point in even saying anything
RAVIN, are you listening or should I just go, she kicks me and I wake up
with a start. I quickly recall why she was coming here in the 1st place and
I am now fervently wishing, her bathroom is fixed for the next 100 years
Get ready, I will be building a nest in your house for the next six days. You
will have a nice experience of living with a girl. Get to learn in 6 days
nice experience my arse; 6 days of torture can't bear I said startling her
It takes time for her to realize what I just said. She still shamelessly
half looks at the chat, 9/20 at her cell phone 1/20th of vision towards me.
What did you say she inquires befuddled. Have you got high on the food
and tea and she laughs at her own joke. Wonder why girls do that
You are not going to come here again, you inconsiderate girl. I scold her
You are making no sense she says now getting pissed. I haven’t yet come
today is Friday , I am going to be there on a Monday , is it clear?
So I question her reason behind going to AC on such a cold Fri night
silly reply, she is under the influence of her bf and I am guessing his SUV.
You have no right to ask me, moron. That's it I am not coming, you
have insulted me and not digested the fact that I have a boyfriend
I shout,' get out if you can't stay and have a proper conversation with me
I don’t know what’s got into you suddenly. You were alright an hour ago
Fine what've I done ? tell me She demands rather loudly when
I bellow It was nice "not" having you. I can only imagine what will happen
She starts to become all apologetic like girls always do. When in trouble
speak in a voice which is close to weeping, it worked it raised my hopes
Sorry sorry, if you felt bad don’t worry, I will pay attention to you always
Ok lemme think this over and see if I can allow you here. Get minimal
luggage, also a little bit of wheat flour and treat me as a friend not servant
Suddenly Bf honks And poof! she is gone. I go off to sleep again muttering curses under my breath.
Conclusion: If you have never lived with a woman then lucky you because it is very difficult my friend. So in end did she come or didn’t she? For answers to all that and for all those who are planning to try such suicidal exploits like marriage or live ins, please go through the above experience starting from the second paragraph and maybe you might read "between the lines" and have not a second line but a third line of thought as to what you should do before helping a damsel in distress. And did I state that all of this is written to protect the integrity of Snow White?
